I can’t claim I haven’t done anything sexual in the past 6 months anymore.
According to a friend of mine, my fuckbuddy had been looking for me last Saturday. He called me as soon as he saw my Facebook status about being home from my first Pre-UIL Marching Contests, and I let him come over.
However, nothing truly resulted from that as I was too afraid of my Mom finding us (she’s never really approved of him).
Yesterday he called while on the ride to San Benito. I told him to come over around 1am when I’d get home and my Mom would be off at the casino. He never replied to my txt and I fell asleep.
Today I txted him to come over and hang out. Of course, things quickly escalated and we found ourselves in all too familiar situation. Halfway through though…I felt wrong, and slightly disgusted with myself. So I stopped, and told him I was worth more than this.
And I finally realize….I am. I deserve more than what I had been doing up until now. I deserve a guy who will love me for who I am, and nothing else.
He left, but he’ll be back. I’ll be ready to tell him to fuck off.
Also, I realize that I don’t need to go looking for love like some abandoned puppy, but I don’t have to beat away any possibility of it growing with a metal pipe either. Therefore:
I hereby release my hiatus of dating.
Maybe things with Danny would’ve developed if I wasn’t so opposed to any type of relationship, maybe not, who knows? I won’t cheat myself of any guy who might genuinely care for me.
So here I go. Wish me luck.
This week’s Glee episode didn’t have too many references, just a few, but those were common enough to pass off.
Then Mike Chang’s Mom appeared…In the exact image I have of my own Mother.
I remember being a little boy and watching my Mom cry, and her holding me while sobs wracked her body.
I remember asking her about what dreams she had when she was my age, and the look melancholy she had when she couldn’t remember.
There’s people who inspire me and give me the courage to follow my dreams and aspiration, yes. But you’ve always been the one who gives me reason and strength.
I love you, Mom.
Kurt’s storyline this season is too close to thoughts I’ve had before. It’s weird!! Aidan’s been talking to FOX…I’m sure of it.
Everyone told me Quinn looked ugly with pink hair…Is it wrong that I loved it? That I thought she had never been more beautiful?
In retrospect, I think I loved her character more because she’d quit everything, and she seemed happy.
Although I know the show is just setting up for her to miss the Glee club, I long for the freedom she had.
I need a change.
The Rachel/Kurt story line hit way too close to home for my comfort. It brought back every indelible fear, frustration, and anxiety I’ve ever had about choosing to major in Musical Theatre/Theatre. I’m not an incredible singer (as today proved), I’m not attractive, I’m not an amazing dancer, the only thing I might have going for is my mediocre acting, and maybe even that isn’t as good as everyone says it is.
I’m so scared. I’m afraid of not making it to where I want to be….I’m afraid of failing. Freddy told me last week how jealous he was of my voice. I had too much pride to tell him how jealous of his looks I am.
It seems I grow more and more insecure as each day passes. Band has taken over my life, and all I want to do is quit or curl up in the fetal position and cry my eyes out. I’m stressed and I’m trying so hard to hide it from all my directors and my parents.
To top it all off, I think I have a crush on someone….and I loathe myself for it. I’m disgusted at myself….I knew I was on hiatus and somehow it still happened.
I feel all the different aspects of myself crashing and colliding. I wish I had kept Pingy…holding him all day made me feel secure.
There was one scene in the episode that stood out to me. The scene where Rachel and Kurt comfort each other in the car. It reminded me of the one person who never stops believing in me. The only thing that keeps me from cracking is that person, and this necklace.